The Absurdist Chronicles
Dark humor, existential dread, and the occasional musical number about things that shouldn’t be musical numbers.
“Airplane bathrooms— it’s the smell that you’ll never forget, not the being propelled through the air hundreds of feet off the ground…”
— from “Airplane Bathrooms”
- Observational
- Flash Fiction
- Commercial Copy
- Song Lyrics
- Philosophy
Read the collection
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Chris W.
Writer · Copywriter · Reluctant Philosopher
About My Approach
I write content that doesn’t insult your audience’s intelligence. No manufactured enthusiasm. No empty promises. Just clear, engaging writing that sounds like an actual human being wrote it.
Influenced by minimalist writers like Raymond Carver and Jim Harrison, I bring that same stripped-down honesty to all forms of content. Your message should sound authentic, not like every other company saying the same thing.
I specialize in finding the truth that makes people stop scrolling and start paying attention.
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Observational
“The places we endure when life requires it”
Airplane Bathrooms
Airplane bathrooms— it’s the smell that you’ll never forget, not the being propelled through the air hundreds of feet off the ground, at hundreds of miles per hour, just, the smell. An acrid mix of cleaners and fresheners incongruously mixed with the infectious reek of biological cocktails that have no business existing…
DMV Purgatory
Waiting at the DMV is a purgatorial bliss unlike much else. Fluorescent bulbs hum and barely glow above head putting out more energy than the counter attendants usually. You stand, you sit, you wait. You hope, you loathe, you ruminate on the sterile office hell you’re slowly simmering in.
Commercial Copy
“Marketing that cuts through the noise”
Product Taglines That Work:
- Adult Incontinence: “The shame keeper”
- Hemorrhoid Treatment: “Treat your ass kind”
- Anti-Sweating: “Stop looking like you swam everywhere”
- Wireless Earbuds: “They stay in, they last, they’ll survive a splash or two and won’t break the bank at $79.”
Restaurant Review
Bella Vista is like any other Italian American eatery that’s actually trying— decent food with even more decent portions. The family that owns it accommodates everything from large crowds to single tops…
Creative Fiction
“Stories that reveal truth through simplicity”
“Why the Fuck Not?” — Flash Fiction
They both sat on the porch, John and Jim. High above, the sun beamed down upon them as they puffed away on their cigarillos. Neither spoke, each looking occasionally off to the distance.
“Why,” barely cut through the silence as John muttered.
Jim filled his lungs and pondered briefly. “Why what?”
“Why any of this,” John asked as he waved his hand broadly across his view…
“Not this shit, again,” Jim retorted.
After a moment, and with a final, crackling drag, Jim inhaled, stood, walked down the steps of the porch, and then merely muttered, “Why the fuck not?”
Song & Spoken Word
“Lyrics that hit different”
Resilience Theme (Punk Stadium Rock)
[Verse]
Been through the grinder
Feeling like life could’ve been kinder
I’ve had days at play
And years of feeling like a slave
[Bridge]
But no matter how things go
No matter how much they may suck and blow
Despite what has happened before
I tell you all this, and nothing more
[Outro]
HAHAHA! I’M STILL HERE, YA’ SHIT EATERS!
Existential Philosophy Rap
[Chorus]
I’ve got existential dread, flowin’ through my head
Heart’s beatin fast, knowin I won’t last
[Verse]
What comes next?
Someone from the other side shoot a text
Let us know what’s goin on
Give us a bit more to go on
Philosophy
“Ideas without pretension”
On Kindness
Kindness is free and simple statements like that suck because they’re always right. It’s all in how you choose to act; life is the play, you the performer, you choose the genre. Being a dick is free, too. Though the bad will usually catch up with you, so there is a price to pay, ultimately.
In the end, kindness helps the whole of society, whereas everything else is just self-indulgence. It’s not about you being happy, or someone else being happy—it’s about everyone getting by amicably.
Morning Habits That Actually Work
I’m not going to promise you that these habits will revolutionize everything. But they might make your mornings suck less, and that’s actually worth something.
Let’s Work Together
Need copy that sounds like a human wrote it? Commercial, creative, or somewhere in between—I’m interested.
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